In honor of Casual Friday, I will herein list what I would wear if I were a super villain. True, most villainous garb is not considered casual, but I feel the spirit of the day is more about freedom to choose your couture. To illustrate my points, I shall include several collages I created on Polyvore.com
Ok, here’s what I call Super Villain Style #1:
To me, this ensemble says, “Bask in my glory while I kick your butt”–which is always a helpful message to send. Yes, it is all black, and black is a bit cliche for a villain, but there’s something to be said for a timelessly classic look. Key points to notice are the leather pants and motorcycle boots, which scream “Domination!” But also note the flowing top and feminine accessories which change the outfit’s shout to “Pretty Domination!” The sensible heel on the shoe means you won’t break it off when you trod upon your enemies, and the loose sleeves of the top give you great range of motion when punching or slapping your foe. A simple collection for your day-to-day evil needs.
Collection 2 ~or~ The Red Death
This collection is all about drama. Practicality be damned–you’re looking fierce. This outfit is perfect for sipping out of opulent chalices, gliding ominously down stone corridors and hosting extravagant galas which are unparallelled in their depths of decadent splendor. Bonus: Crimson and onyx garments are perfect for hiding blood stains while still looking chic.
And finally, collection 3: The Unexpected.
Yes! The delicious satisfaction of fooling your foes with this pastel pastiche. Drawing from such style icons as Barbie and Elle Woods (from Legally Blonde), this outfit will be sure to stun everyone. No one will ever suspect you of nefarious schemes when you sashay through the room in your preppy pumps, sassy peplum dress, and pretty floral earrings. No one would ever suspect your glam clam purse could ever hold a weapon. Not unless it was a collapsible weapon. Not unless it was a discreet collapsible shiv, created especially for just such a cute clutch as this. No one would ever suspect that. Not until you, that is.
So there you have it– Finch’s fashion tips for the would be villain in all of us. These are just a few of the many options that I would have in my diabolical wardrobe if I were to one day seek to reign supreme and unchallenged. I’m sure that day will never come, but if it does, I will look fantabulous.
Well, it’s Casual Friday again. The day when I can shuffle out of the shackles of my slacks (“Slackles”, if you will) and revel in the freedom of my jeans, tee shirt, and generic sneakers. As much as I love this day, it also causes me to heave a dramatic sigh. Of course, lots of things cause me to heave a dramatic sigh–not winning the 50-50 raffle, someone taking the parking spot I consider “mine”, the soft drink machine being out of Coke Zero and having to settle for Diet Coke–but this is a special kind of sigh. For while on this one day I can cast off my oppressive business casual garb, I know Monday will bring slacks and blouses and trouser socks. I long for more autonomy in my apparel, but alas (insert dramatic sigh) it is not meant to be. However, I do try to be subversive about how I present myself. I normally don’t wear makeup to work, and I don’t wear a lot of jewelry. I do wear lots of black–head to toe, all black– and I usually have my coppery hair pulled into a tight bun. I’m going for the severe schoolmarm look. But on Casual Friday, whoo boy. Even though I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt, I try to look fly as hell. Cute, butt-hugging jeans, charming shirt, coordinating jewelry, a full face of makeup and a stylin’ coif. My goal is to look as miserable and wretched as possible during the rest of the week so that on Friday, those in authority will notice the striking difference in my appearance and be dazzled by the change. So much dazzled that they abolish the business casual dress code and let us wear jeans every day again.
“Wow, look at Finch today! She’s so vibrant! Whatever could be the cause of this dramatic change? Oh, it must be the joy emanating from her as she basks in the freedom to wear comfortable clothes! Now we see the errors of our ways!” (Yes, they will exclaim everything.)
I think my plan would work too, if it weren’t for Dave. He sits in the same cubicle as I do. Frickin’ Dave. He wears a suit on Fridays. He wears a suit every day. And a tie. The jerk. I saw him wearing cufflinks today. We work in a call center. None of our management wears suits. The district manger does not wear a suit. One time, the CEO of our company came for a visit. He was not wearing a suit. But guess who was? That’s right– Frickin’ Dave. Frickin’ Dave’s hair always looks perfect. Frickin’ Dave always has a flawless tan. Frickin’ Dave smells like expensive cologne. One day, I think I’ll have to frickin’ cut Frickin’ Dave and then we’ll see how he feels about being a suck up, smug, well-dressed weasel. Your suits don’t look so fancy now, do they Dave, encrusted as they are with your own blood. Yes. Weep, Dave, for I have struck you and brought you low. You will wear jeans on Fridays. You will wear polo shirts and khakis and loafers the rest of the week. I swear, if I see you wear another tie to work Dave, I will yank said tie from your throat and flog you with it. Tie floggings are not so much about inflicting pain as they are about causing humiliation. And you don’t even want to know what I’ma do if I see you wearing cufflinks again. Muck up my Casual Friday, will you? I think not. Shoo…
I work at a call center. In a tiny cube with three other sad sacks who can’t afford to quit. We are not high tech at this call center. We are exceedingly low tech, inasmuch as one of our operating systems, if it were a human, would be well past the legal drinking age in America. I mention this fact to let the reader know that we are not equipped with video phones or web conferencing or Skype or anything of the like that would allow us to visually communicate with the clients who call in to our call center. They cannot see us. I am heartily glad for this fact because it allows me to roll my eyes sarcastically, pantomime shooting myself in the head, and to enthusiastically flip off the client with any and all middle fingers available to me. As long as my voice is blandly pleasant, and as long as the client feels that I’m actually listening to what they say, I’m good. Not to belabor the point, but being a call center, our only contact with the clients is through the phone, which as aforementioned, are not video phones. No clients come in to the office. (Oh Hallelujah! Can I get an Amen?) They, at no point in time, see the people they are calling. The only people who ever see us are the other miserable wretches who inhabit this sinkhole and occasionally, the guy who fills up the soft drink machine.
So why in the name of bloody, spider infested, weasel phlegm coated Hell do I have to wear “business casual” attire?!?
I’m stuck wearing dress pants and a dress shirt and dress shoes nigh on every single day, for no apparent reason other than the fact that someone in HR decided that it makes us more productive. I’m surprised we aren’t required to wear dress underwear. I’d better not say that too loud–I’ll come in Monday morning to an email saying “In order to increase productivity, inspire morale and maximize the actualization of our corporate image, all employees are now required to wear business casual undergarments. No granny panties, no Sunday underwear (you know what we mean!) Anyone caught wearing undergarments in violation of the dress code will be sent home. And we sincerely hope they don’t get in an accident on the way home and have to go to the hospital. Not in those undergarments. What will the doctor think?”
I understand that we have to have some sort of rules on what we can wear to work. Unfortunately, some people must have been raised by wolves–blind, tasteless, uncouth wolves–and would come to work dressed in things that are all shabby, but no chic; or in things that are so ho-ish that a two dollar prostitute would scorn them. So yes, by all means–set some limits on what’s acceptable. But having to dress up like I’m off to broker some business meeting when in reality all I’m doing is staring forlornly out the window at the mocking view of the outside world until that dreaded “Beep” sounds in my headphones, is just too much.
As mentioned in a previous post, I keep my mind from running away into the void of oblivion, gibbering with tedium-induced insanity by imagining what I would do if I were a super villain. I would like to clarify that this is just speculation, and is in no way indicative of future plans or career arcs. In no way whatsoever. Whatsoever. Because that would be crazy, right? Right. Ha ha. Keeping that in mind, in part two of this post, I shall describe my ideas for wardrobing my super villain self. Topics covered will include the importance of establishing a brand, capes or no capes, and if black leather is stylish or so last season. Try not to expire from anticipation, dear readers. It’ll be hard, but I know you can make it. You are so strong.